Back in the Saddle

So the other day after a random, fateful Google image search, I saw a picture of me from this blog and went "Oh, SHIT! I forgot about that thing!"  So OF COURSE I took a few minutes and went back through all my old posts with increasing nostalgia... as I went further and further back it dawned on me that I started this blog over two years ago.  

I know that in the scheme of things, like the universal time frame and such, two years is a mere pittance, an inconceivably inconsequential amount of time, but for me, these last two years and some odd change have been characterized by a marked amount of transition.

It seems that eternal polarization is a constant for me.  When I started this blog I was completely put-together and self-sufficient, but mentally I was just a mess... now, as a 3rd year PhD student, I am pretty unsure of where rent is going to come from every month, but I am slowly but surely learning how to just chill the fuck out about it and enjoy what I have going.

I was worried that my 26th birthday would send me into the same spiraling sinkhole that the big 2-5 did, but such was not the case at all.  I turned 26 last week and my birthday was every bit a wonderful, low-key, happy day. I found myself strangely proud of my age (like the natural passage of time has anything in the least to do with me, my word, the EGO on this one), and the more easygoing acceptance I slowly began working to foster within myself this year. The stupid, suffocating, self-imposed expectations I have put on myself over the years had really begun taking their toll, and that kind of stress and self-loathing is so inconceivably detrimental and unnecessary that it became painfully obvious that I needed to change something.

I have to accept that grad school means I won't have the control I had when I was a full-time workin' gal. That's all. Grad school means less money, not less life.  I have often referred to grad school as a sort of prelude to a legitimate, adult life.  I found myself thinking asinine thoughts like, "I can't wait to graduate so my life can begin," but what the hell is the point in that?  There is no waiting for life to begin, it is an evolution of circumstances and situations, some well without the realm of our control, and I need to just live it and enjoy it.  To toil away waiting for life to begin is as futile as it is wasteful.  

Anyway, boring, winding, unfocused and long story short, in this last year I really feel I've gotten a little more outside of myself.  In revisiting my blog posts this past week I was reminded of how much I love having a chronicle of such a dynamic and random time in my life.  I regret not blogging since January.  If I would've blogged since January I'd have documentation of one of the more interesting years of my adult life.  If for no other reason than I will have an awesome archive of a hugely transitive time, I am hopefully going to get back in the saddle here.  OH!  Horse pun 'cause I'm wearing a horsey shirt!  That has post title written ALL OVER IT...

Seriously though, with my boyfriend, my partner in crime and adventure, I did some incredibly uncharacteristic things this year, and I couldn't be happier.  I am so thankful that I have someone like Bahb in my life, because left to my own devices, I wouldn't do a damn thing that was slightly outside of the very rigid confines of my comfort zone.   

Awesome Horse Tank Top: Free People

Less Awesome Horseless Tank Top: Forever 21

Skirt: Francesca's (a birthday gift from the wonderful Erica!)

Shoes: Dolce Vita

Speaking of the eternal juxtaposition in which I exist, I would love to say that I also opened myself up to new things stylistically this year, but the truth is that no matter how compulsive and neurotic and paranoid I can be, I always dress and style myself with reckless abandon. Case in point, I decided I needed a change, so this year I decided to go back to ULTRABLONDE! SQUEEEEE!  I more or less destroyed my hair's very will to live with all of the processing that was needed to eradicate all of the black dye I put in my hair in the spring of 2011... but I prefer to just call all of that extra damage added texture.

So here I am, blogging again after a few unceremonious and short-lived comebacks... it makes me feel a little fraudulent, but there we go again with all of the pressures I put on myself for no real reason.  And, to be fair, one of the bigger reasons I didn't blog this past year is because I haven't had a reliable camera. After barreling through two different point and shoots, my photography fanatic father very sweetly gave me his spare DSLR last month.  Needless to say, bumbling around with that camera and figuring out how in God's name it works is high on my Blogging To Do List.

Anyway, that was my requisite, angsty, mid-twenties, corny coming-of-age post, I promise those will be kept to a minimum...

Have great days anyone who sees this!